What a week

Aside from having a terminal illness, or a seriously debilitating illness, a chronic illness is right up there with being majorly sucky. That is me - my lovely Chronic Fatigue Syndrome diagnosed way back when I was 17 and still invincible - or so I thought. A time when it was a "fake disease". Epstein Barr Virus setting in after a severe case of Mono. YAY. I began my Senior year of High school (after being sick much of Junior year) to find I couldn't function. I had never been a sick kid - I have tons of perfect attendance certificates to prove it. But my 11th grade report card showed a different story. I struggled that year and attributed it to over-doing it. I very surely WAS, being that I went to school at 5:30 to swim for an hour, then went to zero hour, then the regular school day which involved being outside for marching band practice no matter what the weather. After school I led the flag corps, did swim team and worked on the Drama Club. I did costumes, sets, and choreography. I might have even had a 7th hour. It was all a blur. I was gone from 5 am to 11pm every day during the week. So it would make sense I would get sick a lot right? I thought it was that, or maybe all the chemicals in the pool? I wasn't sure. All I knew is that I got sick a lot and when I wasn't sick I was REALLY tired.

So back to Senior year. I was falling asleep in class no matter what I did, even when I was directly in front of the teacher's desk. One time, my AP Calculus teacher let me sleep... through another class. That was weird. Finally one day I fainted in the hallway. And so ended my scholarship dreams to become a marine conservationist. I was out. My doctor told me to stop or I would die. That is what he said.

I started on a homeopathic regimen and took time off school. A couple months at least. This is all still a little blurry. I mean, it was almost 20 years ago and it was so scary I think I blocked it out. I slept A LOT. At least 14 hours a day on a good day. When I was allowed to return to school I only had afternoon classes, since I slept until 10 or 10:30 every day. I was lucky I had pushed myself in the past because I only need a half credit of Government to graduate. I took that, yearbook art editor and art direction independent study. I knew that I had to set my sites on an art scholarship now. I couldn't take any of my advanced classes that I had planned to pursue my biology degree. A dream I had set my site on when I was barely 10 and regret not living out to this day.

And so I learned to slow down and enjoy things. I actually goofed off some and disobeyed the rules a little. All something I never did. It was a good lesson. The homeopathics saved my life and I will swear by them. I only wish my doctor was still practicing. Because I need them again.

Through life, I know that I need to be careful but I am human, I push the limits. And now I am a mom - of 3. I want more but honestly I worry that it will actually kill me. I look fairly healthy or at least people say that but I know that I am not. I live it every day. I pretend. But I am sick. A friend of mine recently had her son's best friend be diagnosed with Lymphoma. Apparently this is a cancer I must watch for as well. My condition makes me a target. I live in fear that my immune system with give up the ghost.

Now, after doing all this research in vaccines because of, initially, my middle daughter and her reactions I have been able to see something I did not before. Prior to my Junior year, I went to Australia. I still remember standing in the doctor's office and getting several shots in each arm, bringing the needed vaccines up to date. That was when the trouble began. The following summer I went to China and needed a few more shots to get me over the border. I came home from there and within a month my lymphnodes in my neck were the size of baseballs. Alarming.

I had to quit everything. That was so hard. I was excited that year to be on the dance team. Me - with NO dance experience - made the team. No one understood that I had to sit on the sidelines. No one tolerated my illness that they must have thought was fake. It was so tough.

I know some people DO tend to make mountains out of molehills. I do not. I WISH EVERYDAY that I felt good. I put up a good front. And when I do break down and tell people how I feel they usually don't do anything to help me. I don't get that - the only reason I would tell them is because I needed help.

Did the vaccines cause my illness? I don't know. Was it just the area I lived in? A friend's younger sister died of brain cancer very young. My best friend, Leukemia. But I guess that is just life.

I write this today because I am relapsing hard. I know that this might be the illness that puts me down for the count. I know I might have to really focus on recovering like I did way back in 1992. And it makes me mad! I want to be healthy. I want to feel good and enjoy my life!!!! I hope that this is just a bad flu and I am feeling the fear of knowing what it is like to be REALLY sick. I hope that is it. Because the older I get, the scarier it is.